Get Inline

If this turns out to be anything else than the very worst CD I own, something is wrong. Bought for three marks years back in Kajaani at Anttila sales, there wasn't much other point than the price for the purchase.

#1 Armand van Helden - The Funk Phenomena 4½

Originally I named this as my favourite track simply because the artist is the only one I've heard of and I've never actually listened this CD any further than this. Why does he speak about the phenomena in plural? I think it would be logical if there was just one funk phenomenon, but then again, what do I know about funk... And if this is it, I'm glad I don't. Mere repetition of nothing actually.

#2 The Bucketheads - Got Myself Together 5½

Apparently this just became my new favourite track. Yee-haw. Boring disco is always better than boring nothing.

#3 Spymaster & Eric Nouhan - Spontaneous 5½

It's always great when two people unite to do something together and the result becomes even worse than they could've managed on their own. The title is very suitable at least. Is this some kind of jazz? Yes it is. Horror, horror.

#4 DJ Jean & Peran - Let Yourself Go 5

Oh, there's almost my Studio Tähtisilmä pseudonym, "Peraant". The musical values of this track are equal to the hearing capabilities of Taina, the person who interpreted my name that way after three repetitions. I really can't judge these, as there's nothing to evaluate.

#5 Red 5 - Da Beat Goes 6

If this is the kind of music you have to listen while inline skating, maybe I should never take that up. This actually isn't that bad, if you ignore the rapping guy. A new favourite, I guess.

#6 Porn Kings - Up to No Good 5½

Oh my, I just realised what this kind of music could be used to: to practise house dancing! I really do hope it doesn't mean I'm going to start liking this...

#7 London Boy - Jump Up in the Air 6½

During their first few seconds most of these do demonstrate some redeeming quality, all the hope for which soon dissipates as the thing gets underway. After all, this one wasn't that torturing. So it's a new favourite. But could the boy please also explain, how to jump while you're already in the air? To my knowledge, air is something that's not ground at least, and usually you can't jump off the air (unless you're "on air"... har har).

#8 Klubbers Revenge - Mental Atmosphere 5½

No, this doesn't create any atmosphere at all.

#9 Jaimin & Djaybee - Fever 4½

I'm not even saying anything about the Kylie song with the same title...

#10 Express of Sound - Real Vibration (I Want Love) 4½

Boaah.

#11 A.T. Project - You're the One 4

Absolutely horrible. This is just the kind of "music" that makes you wish you were somewhere else instead (staring at the ceiling) while on the dancefloor. Which reminds me that I'd like to hear Kylie's Dancefloor. Too bad I didn't bring the Fever album today. Maybe tomorrow (The Littlest Hobo Theme). The lack of inspiration from the music really shows here...

#12 Respect - Take Me Away 4½

This seems to be the longest one, hopefully not also the most horrible, because if that's the case, I'll start running around in the office and shouting the title of this... Well, it's not, but not far off. Almost six minutes of pure suffering... At this point they seem to have stopped saying the titles in the pieces, so I'm no longer sure, which track is which, but I suppose these comments are pretty interchangeable...

#13 Lisa & Tori - People Hold on 4½

At this point listening certainly does take some holding on...

#14 Bass Symphony - Get Freaky 5

The artist's name could be a good description of some ancient experimental composition of mine. At least they say the title here, maybe that'll add a ½ to the score. I think they try to say "Get your body" but it sounds more like "Ketchuppade"... I think I'll be generous with this one, just for the joy of it being the last track...